Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
