Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
