Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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