maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
