So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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