mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
