Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
