Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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