Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
