I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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