chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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