I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
