Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My bed smells like the plague
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
