I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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