are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
