I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
