i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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