just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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