onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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