i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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