Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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