i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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