Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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