The maid of honor just puked.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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