I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
