I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
