Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
