Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
