I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
