You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
