Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
