I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
