Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
