i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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