So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
