Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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