My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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