You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
