drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
