idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
