I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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