He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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