the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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