when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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