If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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