I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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