just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
