I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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