Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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