After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
