they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
