I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
