you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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