I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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