I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
