I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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