my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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