Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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